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Wednesday, December 31st, 2003
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Ahh well, I'm feeling rather happy. I've been reflecting actually and it's strange, because I didn't expect it. But I'd be relaxing for a change and things would just pop into my head. I've thought about lots of things. I realised I associate a lot of different songs with different events in my life. Take Avril's "I'm With You". I can't believe that was released here about a year ago. But I do remember what that song best reminds me of.
I think this is feeling so weird because I simply haven't had time for this sort of stuff in absolutely ages. I can't remember the last time I actually just let myself stop and really think.
I have realised something, though. That no matter what, I am truly a lot happier than ever before. The happiest, in fact, that I've ever been. What have I got to be worried about after all? Nothing. That's what. Life's just flowing along for once. I don't have that boyfriend of which my main concern is "Hope I don't upset him". I don't have a seriously shit job, although it certainly has its moments (but then, what doesn't?). And I don't have education bogging me down.
And I don't feel like having that usual rant about how in 2003 I got rid of that shit boyfriend, or those crap friends, or that rubbish-y educational life I was leading. Because I seriously don't feel any of that. People have come in and out of my life and so be it. My true friends are still with me and always will be. Chris for one, Marilyn for another. I can name them on one hand, but they're there and that's all that matters to me. My job doesn't upset me big enough to cause me any real stress - I know for a fact too that when it really gets that tough, I'm out of there. It's not my job for life. And my boyfriend is just that. My boyfriend. He's with me in my life right now and who knows for how long? I clicked with him the moment I set eyes upon him and he's the first guy I can ever say that about. He's also the first guy I can say I get along with seriously well, but I'm not going to go into how more mature or intelligent or sexy he is than my last relationship because who the fuck cares? Not me. Not you. Simon is simply fantastic without the comparisons thank you.
Besides that, I'd just like to think I'm not that insecure anymore.
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Monday, September 1st, 2003
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Second Funniest Thing Of Today (because the entire Rolf thing tops it by far, no contest :D):
"We don't get along... You have a differing opinion to me, and for that, I hate you, don't want to talk to you ever again, and think we ought to do nothing but argue."
I've summed a certain someone up in one sentence there. If there's any luck or whatnot left in the world right now, said person will read it and, what's more, realise how prattish that truly well is.
If there's any luck, I'll also realise how childish this seems... But hell, who gives a shit? Some lessons need to be published to be heard.
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Sunday, August 31st, 2003
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Dear Diary,
Today I talked to Rolf about painting my bum. A change of topic quickly followed... on his orders, not mine!
:D :D :D 0:D
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Thursday, August 21st, 2003
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Song of the moment... Erm... I just realised I have no idea what the title is, and I've been forced to listen to it on repeat since yesterday -_- *goes to look it up* Ahh, there. "Wish" by the "Lighthouse Family". *nod* Lovely song. Off the "Whatever Gets You Through The Day" album. Which isn't bad. Note, I am not being paid to do this -_-
Anyways, I'm back. I FINALLY got the virus updates today. Joy for me! It took HOURS to install -_-. But, aside from the webcam, the scanner and the printer, the computer is all set and ready to rock. I just am not sure I am. I've been busy of late. This is a link that leads me on to the story. A story which, although probably tediously boring, includes the reason behind the "I've been forced to listen to this song on repeat since yesterday" comment above. *breathe*
Yeah well... I've been away. And this album is my dad's fave [of the moment]. And all the way home we listened to it last night. Singi... no, squealing along to it. It was hilarious. Mum was in the back and not amused. But this song is amazing. She thought the whole album was a "funeral durge" but dad and I couldn't be happier. We were scoffing down travel sweets and getting all the more hyper... well, I was at least. Whheee fun.
No one wants to know about that though!!!
I've had to research maths for my job. Well... I mentioned that in my other journal. I am now the proud "knower" of the phonetic alphabet. I'm betting to not be the only one. But I'm still dreading Friday. Now only one mere week away. I'll never feel ready for it... I won't want to go. I'll be scared out of my tree...
I posted here. Thought it may shock people. Make them see me, I've been away that long... I'm sure some think I'm gone... I'm actually sure some are currently disliking me. But hey... *sigh*.
GOING TO SEE LINKIN PARK IN NOVEMBER!!!!!!!
Fucking hell am I happy? :) :)
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I was once again an idiot.
Craig: "I wish we'd remained friends."
Me: "We still can cuz I'll never close that door on you"
Craig: "Nah fuck it, I'm a contradictory fool don't forget, I say shit that I don't mean".
Literally, after Craig emailed me I replied saying I'd never block him, never stop the phone ringing and never block his emails, simply because I can't be bothered to fight anymore. I mean, he openly admitted he wanted to be friends, along with the contradictory facts "I blocked you on AIM and don't use my phone". He clearly thinks I'd waste my valuable time following him around anyway? Nice. He knows me about as well as a stranger does. Wish I didn't know him.
Because immediately after reading my email (at a guess) he blocks me on AIM again.
Wait... let's go over this again... he wants to remain friends but continues to block me wherever possible?
Now I wonder why, because what on earth have I done wrong here other than to defend myself when he slandered me to hell? I mean, it was me trying to call him all the time as a friend. It was me emailing him. And it was HIM saying "My ex is a bitch whom I hate" (only in a much worse language than that). And I continued to try to be friends with him. I didn't get mad at him for what he'd said about me at first. In fact I was nothing more than confused and upset. Until finally I broke. And yet I get treated as though this is all my doing, my fault?
HE blocks ME? HE writes to ME as though I'm the one being nasty to him all this time.
Am I the one slandering him on messageboards for no reason?
I have yet to slander him at all without any warrant for it.
And yet I get treated like the ultimate bitch from hell.
All I can hope is that one day he'll sit back and see this for what it really is.
He used to call himself the mug whilst with me. No. I see it now. The only mug in this twosome was me, and that was for taking him back and accepting his shit every.single.time.
I hate him. I hate him so much.
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Craig's being a fucking asshole yet again. But when it's all he knows (that and lying all the time), then I guess I can just sit back and laugh, as usual.
What's he doing this time? Bah, nothing of much interest or anything. Just trying to slag me off again.
One day he'll get over me and this nonsense will stop.
One day people will stop visiting his sites and informing me of his childishness, especially considering I haven't been around in about two weeks. I mean Craig's the last thing I want to hear about, no matter the circumstances.
Oh well, at least I got a laugh.
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I'm sick to death of people. Well... Most of them.
I am pissed off that when I tell someone "no" to something, they are still asking me the same question three days later. I mean, come on, if I tell you no and more specifically "can't for the next week, v.busy" then what is it about that you don't quite comprehend?
Secondly, I am pissed off at cold callers. Today's one was classic:
It: "Hi, is that Mrs Fairbank?"
Me: "No but I can go get her for you right now".
It: *CLUNK*
And the distinct sound of "you've been hung up on".
Why the fuck bother, eh? Half the bloody time it's the same people who've already been told "No" to what they're selling. Half the time they don't pick up when you do. And the other times they simply won't leave you the fuck alone. But to hang up on me...
I am also pissed off about people fucking talking about me as though I'm not there, or as though it's not me they're discussing, or as though it wasn't my suggestion and that. Craig is a great one for that apparently. It's fucking clear as ice that most of the time everything he says about me is bollocks, but when it comes to telling the truth about me, he does it as though it wasn't me, but someone else instead. Craig, you whinging tosser - I have yet to slag you off in public to anybody for anything less than what you deserve. I have also yet to get down to discussing you and the things we did together as though it wasn't you and it didn't matter. Why? Not because I "want to forget you" or any of that fucking garbage but because it's plain childish that's why. Not just that but fucking cowardly. Stop proving yourself to me - it's not necessary anymore. Braven up a little - same my name dipshit just as I can say yours quite plainly, Craig.
And lastly to the people who like to moan a lot - remember the "never know what you got til you lose it" thing, k? Because probably a lot of what you moan about is something you'll cry about to lose. Not all, just a lot. That and... can't any of you see that it seriously is the same things getting you down every time? I say this as a friend more than anything because it doesn't look good on any of you to sit back and moan about the same shit over n over. What are you doing to cure it, eh? *sigh* I'm exasperated, this isn't aimed at anyone k so don't be jumping down my neck for having an opinion. But I've been where you are - I moaned a lot about shit before and couldn't see what it was like. Now I'm on a different perspective for once and believe me, I thought I'd never get here. I thought I'd always be a whinging depressive as Craig liked to call me. But I'm not and that says something. It's also made me realise just how the moaning can affect your friends... on which note I'll end it because that says it all, really.
Finally, it also pisses me off that I always rant about people that don't matter. Especially ones who you just know do nothing more with their time than sit alone in their rooms getting drunk because no one else knows them, wants them or cares about them.
Ok... that thought's cheered me up.
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Craig read my journal because he was "BORED" and clearly didn't like what he saw.
And you know the irony in that?
What he saw was one of two things:
a) the truth
and
b) his own exact words
Not mine, but his. He was the one that chose to try to be "clever" and I merely pasted that up here. People would have seen it anyway, I simply upped the number from about 2 to 20.
I'd also like to know... why read the journal of someone you don't like?
That boy baffles me beyond all reason, simply because nothing he does makes sense.
Why the fuck can't I stop laughing?
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...Courtesy of Craig:
I'm away, if you're bored aim meekybabes and call her a slag for me please.
Thankyou :-)
I'm a homicidal maniac who preys on little girls over the internet pretending to be a 19 year old male from Hull. At the last count I have maimed and murdered 6 pretty young females. Please don't let that put you off talkin to me though :-)
That's his away message and profile consecutively as of now, May 3rd 2003 at 11.15pm UK time.
Seems to me that someone around here clearly has to learn to deal with rejection. And to fight their own battles.
*shakes head* So sad. So bitter.
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Woo Steph and Gem had a fucking fight!
Ok, I went out tonight with old mates from school. I'm back waaaayyyyy too earily, it's so not fair. Anyways, i Came back because I'm sensible (thats what I intend to go around teling erveyone the next few hours/days whatever). I'm tipsy. Anyway, we were sat there talking about stuff and the conversation led onto past boyfriends and that stuff, yeah? So anyways (Im saying that a lot here) Steph and Gem once dated the same guy (no not at the same time). Steph went out with him for months and they broke up - after about 3 weeks he was dating Gem - luckily Steph didnt care... much. Turns out it was bollocks - Gem slipped uptonight and dropped Cal and herself RIGHT in it by fucking the dates up! She went BRIGHT red when Steph realised and caught her out - there was no hiding it. I nudged Deb nearby and a few of the others to signal we get them out - they were literall screcching at each other in the bloody pub.
So we went out and Steph went for her which is THE funniest thing I'ver EVER seen. Ok, the not funniest but ealmost ;) Whaever anyway It was cold out there and I couddbt be arsed to stay there if they were gonna bitch at one another.
Deb cooled them off - well, dragged Steph away to !"talk" whilst Gem stood with the rest of us sobbing. Steph and her had always been the closest out of the lot of us. Which is fucking ironic isn't it?! How can close mates do that to each other. Ha learning a lot about "mates" these last few weeks.
Anyway Steph came back with Deb and agreed a truce but woldnt stop bitching and being sarcy towards Gem any possible opportunity, so the atmpsohere was well screwed. Felt like I was hanging with a bunch of 16 year olds again. So I called home to get a lift because I couldnt be arsed to wait for a taxi.
...Deb just called me on mah mobile to check I was ok and let me know they'd all parted after I left - thougth it was best. Steph and Gem went home, as did she, but the rest fucked off back to the pub. Drunkies. Drunkies? WTF?
Anyway it was a cool night - mostly ;)
Yay need more drink but I cant drink home alone. S'for tossers.
Actually, I'm lying. It's just I cant be arsed to get up toget me some alcopops.
Screw it Im going to ... do something... provductive.
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Songs of the moment:
The Theme from Band of Brothers.
All songs from Evanescense's "Fallen" Album.
Still Linkin Park's "Breaking the Habit".
And almost anything from the classical channel.
As it turns out, I keep watching that "Classic FM" channel here on Sky. I turn it off when weird men in chairs "singing" and opera people come on. Having said that, though, I can just about handle that duet between that bloke and woman...
...which means sweet F.A. to almost everyone considering I can't remember their names or the song title :p
Otherwise, though, all opera is a big no-no. Especially Charlotte Church O_O
<3 the Theme from Band of Brothers.
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Tuesday, April 29th, 2003
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Had fight with Craig.
If I needed any reminder or confirmation that I was and am over him, this was it.
Bleh to men.
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Saturday, April 26th, 2003
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*hugs Vendrin*
Mush aside, I'm coming back tomorrow night for a bit. Only tomorrow. Depending on that I may or may not stay longer ;)
I get the feeling no one cares O_O
But there told you anyway.
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Thursday, April 17th, 2003
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Trees *pop* when they burn.
Please don't tell me I'm the only one who took nearly 20 years to find that out?
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Thursday, April 3rd, 2003
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| Time: | 2:30 am. |
| Mood: |  enthralled. |
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I BOUGHT vendrin@linkinpark.com FOR £30!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Tuesday, March 25th, 2003
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| Time: | 6:43 pm. |
| Mood: |  thoughtful. |
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Sometimes I would think that moving on from someone or something was hell hard.
I don't feel incredibly different about this right now to be perfectly honest.
But when you realise you're talking to someone and it's going right over their head...
That kind of helps. Kind of makes you realise it's time to give up.
If you're me, however, you'll try several more times before giving up on someone or something. Simply because it's not easy to do and you don't really want to. You keep convincing yourself to carry on trying; that one day they'll click out of it and remember who they are and what they mean to you.
How long do you wait, though? How long do you continue beating your head against the brick wall before giving up?
I suppose it depends on what or who it is you're fighting for. I don't think you can ever put a time limit on how long you'll keep trying.
Some people probably have the strength to give up after a week or two. Others have to go on and on for ages until something hits them to make them stop. At least I guess it's that.
And some people probably secretly never give up hope that one day, it'll all work out to how it should be... back to how it once was.
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I had to come back here and say it here too. I've said it everywhere else. All I basically need to do is sign up to a few messageboards and type "METEORA FUCKING RULES" or something fan-girl-ish in a few posts. And IM random people to scream it at them. Oh and emails. Perhaps I should call someone too?
Anyway I said I'd come here for national broadcasts and this is today's.
Meteora DOES rule. Well, it's great at the very least. "Breaking the Habit" is amazing yay! And so is "Numb". I love this album already. I've had it one day... less than one day even, more like 14 hours, and I'm in love
and everyone must at least try to listen to it!
.....
How weird do I sound?
Must resist the urge to type out some lyrics. Must.
Although a tiny childish part of me WANTS to get there and do that first O_O
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A - Act your age? Pah as if.
B - Born on what day of the week? I think I heard it was a Friday, but who knows? Or was it Tuesday...?
C - Chore you hate? All?
D - Dad's name? Allen
E - Essential makeup items? Not fussed to be honest.
F - Favorite actor? Not sure...
G - Gold or silver? Gold, I have bad reactions to silver.
H - Hometown? It's in Wales, you wouldn't know it if I told you it.
I - Instruments you play? Piano.
J - Job title? Unemployed yay me.
K - Kids? Nope
L - Living arrangements? With my folks.
M - Mom's name? Jean
N - Number of people you've slept with? 1
O - Overnight hospital stays? None
P - Phobia? Spiders mainly.
Q - Quote you like? "Never let anyone make you think you don't deserve what you want."
R - Religious affiliation? None.
S - Siblings? *spits*
T - Time you wake up? Heh late.
U - Unique habit? It probably isn't unique, but it IS embarrassing.
V - Vegetables you refuse to eat? Those things... those things you ALWAYS have at Christmas. What they called? Sprouts.
W - Worst habit? That one's embarrassing too.
X - X-rays you've had? I've had one on my knee, ones of my mouth, one of my ankle.
Y - Yummy food you make? Chocolate cake!
Z - Zodiac Sign? Saggitarius.
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I will still use this once in a while I've decided, like if I want to broadcast HUGE announcements such as...
WE'RE SELLING OUR CARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
Heh. Huge announcements. *cough*
That depresses me. I'll miss that car.
Anyway. To avoid going into a big speech about how everything seems to die all at the same time and all links get cut...
I'll do what I came here to do. Survey! As stolen from Kala :D
( Done when bored. )
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Wednesday, March 19th, 2003
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| Time: | 1:58 pm. |
| Mood: | happy. |
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I've decided to update because I want the world to know I'm online when I shouldn't be. It's precisely, what, 2pm here? I'm not supposed to connect up until 6 *does rebel dance*
I'm actually on here for my dad. He put a web-wide search out for his flywheel (that thing that broke yesterday that costs £800). He also rang around. No one has one. Which is probably just as well. So plan B is in action. They're gonna put it all back together, all broke, and sell it. Aren't they evil? Sensible more like.
So yeah, I'm taking liberties right now. It's a beautiful day out, too! I feel so happy! :)
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vendrin's journal
bitchy.